


ghost in my head

by crownedcirce



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, It's just sad okay, M/M, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 05:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15700506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedcirce/pseuds/crownedcirce
Summary: The stars above Almaty aren’t as bright without you here.





	ghost in my head

**Author's Note:**

> I did a bit of a sad drabble, yikes. 
> 
> Please mind the tags, a safe reading experience for everyone is important. 
> 
> yell at me on [tumblr](https://punktsuki.tumblr.com/) if you like
> 
> x

I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you in a while. St. Petersburg is farther away than it ever used to be when you were still here.  


Travelling with you or to you always made it feel like nothing.

 

I’m staying at your parent’s place. Your mum insisted that I do but, I don’t know how long I can last. She starts crying every time she gets a look at me. Your sisters miss you, though I’m sure they tell you all the time.   
  
I miss you too.   


Your room still smells like you.

  
Hope it’s okay if I sit here for a while. Smoke and chat just like we used to, you know? Now though, you aren’t able to tell me how bad these are for me, huh? I’ve been smoking more now you aren’t here to guilt me out of it. Sorry about that. They do taste like shit, I know and I’m sorry that I didn’t quit before... you know. I wish I could have kissed you without that taste lingering in your mouth too. I know you hated it.

  
You’re not here anymore to say “those shit sticks are gonna kill you, Yura.” Well... looks like they didn’t work quick enough. I don’t even care anymore. If these things put me in the ground sooner rather than later then, so be it. At least I’ll be closer to you, right?   
  
I’m not doing that great without you, Otabek. You know, sometimes instead of slowly killing myself with the smoked poison, I consider doing it quickly. I’m on medication now, you know? I’m not so sure that they work. I won’t lie, the pills look particularly inviting some nights when I’ve been left alone to my thoughts and my memories and the _fucking_ _ghost_ of you peppered around our apartment.

 

What good would that do though, right? I’m sorry. It really is hard without you here. I don’t have anyone to talk to at 3am anymore, Otabek, when the darkness is at its worst. The darkness in me has looked a little like you lately. I know you wouldn’t want that, you wouldn’t want any of this. But, not everyone can be as level-headed or as strong as you though, okay? I’m pretty fucking sure that nobody is.

 

I know you want me to keep going, I know. “ _Keep pushing, Yura._ ” I hear your fucking voice in my head every day, I know I need to keep going, keep competing. But, it’s hard okay? And your voice makes it harder, it makes me freeze up, it makes my guts twist and my heart sink and shatter at the pit of my stomach. I know now that you’re not really here. I used to turn around, expecting you to be there, on the ice, right behind me.

 

I’m not that stupid anymore.

 

I know you’re right, I do. Sometimes, I think I’m dead already though, Beka. I’m not really here, I’m not really living, I’m fading away. I’m just made up of smoke now. Smoke and desperation for it all to be over.

 

I’m dead already because I don’t remember how to laugh or smile, I don’t remember what things used to make me happy. Except you. I’m not cut out for this any more, Otabek.

 

I suppose I’ll continue floating through time, though. For you, because I know that’s what you would want. You’d want me to stay alive. But, just know that I don’t _feel_ alive anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll ever feel that I am again. I’m not sure that it’s possible without you here.

 

The stars above Almaty aren’t as bright without you here. And, St. Petersburg feels less and less like home without you making sure that I get up in the morning. I miss making your coffee. You always did joke about liking it black like your soul but, Otabek _you_ were the brightest thing I had ever seen in my life. But, your light went out too early and I still don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on. Only bright light I see now comes from the lighter in my back pocket.

 

I still have your tshirts taking up just as much of our closet as my own stuff does. I’m not sure what to do with them.

 

I know, I just said that your voice sometimes makes things worse. I’m sorry. But, I still call your number sometimes. Just to get your voicemail, you know?

 

“ _Yeah, you’ve reached Otabek. Yura, if this is you, I’m probably on my way home…”_

 

I cling on to the way you say you’re coming back to me. I’m not sure what I’ll do the day your number is disconnected. I’m not sure when that will be but I hope I’m ready for it when it does because fuck, Otabek I just can’t… I barely have it together. All I do is smoke and cry and break.

 

I hope you’re happy, Otabek. Really. One of us needs to be.

 

I used to think graveyards were kinda cool, but now? Well, it’s getting dark. You know how I’m no good in the dark.

 

I should get back. Jean’s waiting in the truck… said he didn’t want to intrude but, I’m sure he’ll come say hi soon. He’s been helping, believe it or not.

 

Anyway. I’ll see you soon, love.

 

Я люблю тебя.

  
  



End file.
